Project Runway, Season 8: Meltdowns and Crocodile Tears

Pictured: One (1) Cold-Hearted Bitch

Ladies and... Ladies, last night's episode of Project Runway was delicious. Delectable. Momentously fulfilling. Seriously, I could sustain off of that for months.

"I don't know why you allowed Gretchen to manipulate, control, and bully you." You go, Ms. Gunn.

"*snivel snivel* I *snivel* do NOT think *snivel* I'm manipulative!" Oh please, bitch, get real. I love how she just denied being manipulative, but totally avoided the topic of Controlling and Bullying.

Let's break it down, bitches!

First of all, I think we all knew how this was going to go down when the teams were chosen. I can understand Michael C's thought process, "I'll choose Gretchen first because, according to the judges, she's the strongest designer here." Which is true. She's won two challenges and proven that she has a strong point of view. The problem, though, is that Gretchen is also the person who is most obsessed with playing this game as well as she can. She has a clear goal in mind: Fashion Week, and she will do anything and everything possible to make it to fashion week: manipulation, controlling, bullying, and a new trick she showed last night: tears. From there on out, everything just got worst. Gretchen picked Ivy because she knew she could easily control Ivy, Ivy picked Andy because, as far as she had seen, Andy had the strongest skill set of the remaining designers, and Andy picked A.J. because, between A.J. and Peach, Andy perceived A.J. to be the lesser of two evils. Logically, it all makes sense. Woops! Seems like I missed Christopher in there somewhere. That wasn't intentional, but the fact that I missed him says something about his contribution to this team and the show. The biggest problem with this team, however, is that instead of picking people strategically (with the exception of Gretchen's pick), they picked people based on their skills. So team "Cluster Luxe" (as I like to refer to them), was left with the people with the largest egos, and team "Military and Lace" (which sounds more like the title of an adult film I would purchase than a fashion line), was left with all the "underdogs."

Military and Lace

First of all, terrible name.

Seriously, terrible name. You could have named yourself "The Young Boy Rapers" and it would have been better.

I don't have a lot to say about the Child Rapers Anonymous. I'd rather spend the bulk of my wrath spewing hatred towards Cluster Luxe. NAMBLA here did a fantastic job, and Casanova and Peach took huge strides forward in their taste and styling, but in my opinion, the wrong person won. In my opinion, Michael D. should have won.

Were this team forced to name a team leader, I think it would have been Michael D. He seemed to have the strongest voice in the planning process and have the heaviest hand in helping the other designers with their looks. The editing was skewed heavily against him (and much stronger towards Casanova and his diva moments), but he still managed to have the funniest line of the episode, "They have an item called a 'Grandpa sweater.' What the f***?" Hilarious.

He also made a beautiful garment which really personified their collection.

But congrats, Casanova, you took strides forward in design. Except for this:

Casanova, please do us all a favor and burn the nipple sweater. It was distracting and unattractive.

Team Cluster Luxe

Okay, lets start off by talking about what this show is supposed to be about: the fashion.

I'm having trouble finding photos of the finished garments on the runway, but you can see them here: http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/project-runway/season-8/rate-the-runway/episode-5#id=1

Here's the way to tell the teams apart: pick out all the garments that look items from Bea Arthur's estate sale. That's team Cluster Luxe! If you were to look up "Matronly" in the Fashion Dictionary, every one of these looks would be next to the definition. Seriously. This was beyond retro. This was retro old-lady. The good news is that the designers seem to have stopped designing for "Designing Women." The bad news is that they've begun designing for "Golden Girls."

Now let's get to the fun part:

"Look at this group. I'm totally going to dominate! Let me distract you with my spirit fingers while I quietly urinate on every group member to mark my territory."

"Shut the fuck up, Michael, the grown-ups are talking."

"...I swear to God, if you question my superiority one more time, I'm going open-fist, elbow deep."

"Got to remember for tomorrow: Wake up at 4 AM to practice crying for the runway."

"Guys, we totally worked SO well together, don't you think? There's no way we could lose. That is, unless the judges have eyes."

And we finally see what all the Gretchen build-up was for. Let me just say that I love the new hour and a half format. I love it specifically because my favorite part of this entire episode was the last 30 minutes. I could watch it over and over again. Tim's smack-down alone was worth 8 seasons of loyalty. In one sentence, Tim made every designer in the room shit their pants. Bravo! "I don't know why you allowed Gretchen to manipulate, control, and bully you." I wish I could just listen to it over and over again. In fact, I wish it were my ringtone. That should be the new tagline for the show.

Gretchen is an evil genius. She was plotting from the very beginning to survive another day. You'll notice the only two designers on their team to make entire outfits, A.J. and Ivy, were the two designers who were least successful and caught the majority of the judges rage. The four designers who made multiple garments, led by Gretchen, largely avoided the judges criticism. That was pure plotting on Gretchen's part. She manipulated the two weakest designers (at least the two you could be eliminated) into the two most vulnerable positions. She said herself that she knew the collection was crap, so she figured out a way that she would be safe, regardless.

And don't even get me started on those crocodile tears. I haven't seen this kind of manipulation on Project Runway since Wendy Pepper. At the same time, in comparing Gretchen to Wendy, I would have to side with Wendy. Sure Wendy was a manipulative bitch, but Wendy knew she was a manipulative bitch and celebrated the fact. I believe Gretchen honestly believes she is good person, or is an world-class actress. This woman turns my stomach.

The fact of the matter is that Gretchen is a sociopath. She will do whatever it takes to forward her own agenda without consideration of the people around her. Her change of tone on the runway was truly disturbing.

And poor Michael C. I've changed my tune since my last post. I hope Michael C. succeeds on the show, if only to be a constant thorn in Gretchen's side. It was disgusting how the entire team, after they agreed to not gang up on one another, ganged up on Michael C. And it was all lead by Gretchen.

However, now the tone has changed. Tim has brought Gretchen's manipulation to the surface for all to see. I am very interested in how things will proceed from here. First of all, I would expect Gretchen to become a pariah on the show. It seemed like prior to this challenge, Ivy was Gretchen's only true ally, and it feels like Ivy may now realize how destructive Gretchen is.

I would predict that Gretchen will either burn out in the next episode or two, or will become resilient with her outcast status and persevere to the finale (al la Wendy Pepper). I'm really hoping for the former, but I would guess it will probably be the latter. Only time will tell!

Anyway, this was the best episode of Project Runway for quite a few seasons. I hope the producers can keep up the drama from here!

Project Runway, Season 8: The Designers

Hi all, sorry for the lack of posts lately. Work and work and life got crazy for a few weeks! The students have now returned to campus, the Burrito has moved to a new location, and things are finally starting to quiet down a little bit. I would like to take this brief reprieve to talk about something to which I hold very dear: Project Runway.

I have been following Project Runway from its onset. Project Runway redefined the reality television mold and created a niche of reality TV designed specifically for the gay pretentious burrito slinger like myself. Now in its 8th season, Project Runway seems stronger and better than ever.

My plan for my Project Runway posts is to be a bit free flowing. I would like to take this post to bitch a little bit about the individual designers. In future posts, I hope to blog about specific looks that strike me, or even possibly every episode from here on, depending on how busy life gets!

I'm going to pretend that my posting delay for Project Runway is purposeful. Now that four episodes are complete, I've had a chance to get a handle on all the individual designers: both in terms of their design aesthetics and personalities. One brief caveat, however: I am a fickle bitch. The fact that I think one way about a designer today does NOT mean that I will feel the same way about the same designer tomorrow. So stick with me! It's a wild ride, but hopefully a fun one!

Oh, by the way, I'm not going to be talking about every single designer because some of them are... well... boring. Sorry, bitches! Beef it up!

Ivy

Oh Ivy, how I love thee. Not necessarily because of your design aesthetic (which can be best described as "Zzzzzzz"), but because what would Project Runway be without a self-involved, cocaine-fueled (ALLEGEDLY!), little Asian pixy? Seriously, Ivy, episode 1 and you're saying the show should be called "Project Ivy"? You're just setting yourself up for disaster. The best part of the "Project Ivy" comment was that she made it, and then landed herself in the bottom 5 for this look:

Which can be best described as "1986 Resort: Maternity." Seriously, Ivy? "Project Ivy?" More like "Project Ivy for 5 episodes until she gets eliminated and then Project Gretchen until I vomit my upper intestines." (I'll get to Gretchen later. I'm saving the bulk of my wrath for last.) Word of advice, Ivy: Pull your head out of your ass and start designing like it's 2010 and you're on Project Runway, not like it's 1989 and you're designing for "Designing Women."

Peach

I love Peach as a person. I hate Peach as a designer. There were two things from episode one that solidified these facts for me: "My aesthetic is more 'Ladies who Lunch.'" (Oh dear God, no.) "I almost wore the SAME THING!" (OH DEAR GOD, YES!)

I think Peach's aesthetic could be best described as 1950's Coco Chanel. Very clean, simple lines, tailored look, very LBD (Little Black Dress) minded. The only problem is that her take in this aesthetic is very literal. She's not taking a lot of risks or being very inventive.

That being said, I LOVE Peach! I think she has a fantastic attitude (who didn't love it when she came up to Andy last week and said "How can I help?") And she has some spectacular one-liners. The problem is, I think I'd rather have cocktails with Peach than sit through one of her runway shows. Love ya, Peach, but I'm not sure if you've got it!

April

Two words: Quilted Diaper

Here's what I love about April: she takes risks and plays with proportions. Here's what I hate about April: Quilted Diaper. She's got an interesting point of view and is not afraid to make things ugly to take a risk, the problem is that sometimes she tilts a bit too far on the "ugly" side of things. A little pretty never hurt anyone (except for you, Peach, you pretend like I didn't just say that). If Peach could be Peach but with a little bit of April's design aesthetic, I think we could possibly have the perfect Project Runway contestant.

Personality-wise, I don't have a lot to say. April just seems kind of blasé. She reminds me a bit of Taylor from Rachel Zoe Project, which is NOT a complement. Get some energy, gurl!

But still, two words: Quilted Diaper. Honey, no.

Michael D.

And DING DING DING!!! Ladies and... Ladies, we have found my Project Runway crush for the season. Seriously, this kid is cute as a button!

Oh yeah, and he's not that bad of a designer, either. Really digging his aesthetic, but what's sold me is how damn cute this kid is! I love his bitchy sense of humor too. Keeps me coming back for more!

And, by the way, he totally got robbed last week. He totally blew everyone else out of the water. How some gross Roman goddess dress won over his is beyond me. I'm thinking maybe the judges just got their Michaels confused.

A.J.

Episode 1: "Hi, my name is A.J. and I like to throw random shit on models and call it fashion."

Episode 3: "A challenge where we have to throw random shit on models and call it fashion?!? This is totally NOT my challenge!"

Get over yourself, Mary.

Mondo

Mondo's personal style? Fabulous.

Mondo's runway style? Questionable.

Casanova

*Sigh* Oh Casanova. The obligatory "WTF" designer. First of all, I seriously doubt the language barrier is as great as you pretend on the runway. Second of all, that bullshit shouldn't work, anyway, since La Nina is right there and can translate all criticisms meant to make you feel like less of a human. Seriously. I'm just waiting for Nina to rip Casanova a new asshole en Espanol. Your days are numbered, my friend. Were I there, I would destroy a pair of your $1,070 pants for every day in the competition

And on that note, what designer would buy a pair of $1,070 pants anyway? Shouldn't he be able to just look at them and recreate them for himself for a fraction of the cost? Not only do I doubt Casanova's language barrier, taste level, and personal style, I also doubt Casanova's abilities as a designer. Basically, at this point, Casanova's only around to provide us our weekly dose of "WTF?"

Andy

Here's my thing with Andy: it seems to me that Andy is basically trying to be Christian Siriano 2.0. From personal styling to design aesthetic, it seems like he's trying to copy Christian as closely as he can. Not a bad idea, in theory. In my opinion, Christian Siriano has been the best and most talented Project Runway contestant yet, but in reality, Andy doesn't have Christian's personality nor his level of taste, so it just comes off as a faded copy of a copy of a copy.

Christopher

Christopher's a fairly good designer and he's a cutie. There's only one problem with Christopher: Christopher isn't as good as Christopher--or the other designers--think he is.

I have to say, I was totally with the judges on this one. Not because of the fabric choices or even the awkwardness of the tight/skirt (although that was very distracting. It kind of looks like the tights are just way too loose in the crotch and that this wasn't intentional at all). My problems with this outfit is that it is almost directly literally 1950's. I realize the Mad Men trend has had a serious impact on the fashion industry, and we even saw this surge on Project Runway a few years ago with Kenley (Puke!), but this is way too literal. From the fabric choices to the silhouette, there isn't much originality in this look. And it doesn't match the feeling of the hat whatsoever.

Jason

Thank God you're gone, you homophobic, no-talented prick. I hope you fail at life.

Gretchen

I've saved the best for last!

Let me say first, I think there has been a lot of editing to make Gretchen look as villainous as possible. I really don't think Gretchen is as evil as she's made out to be.

That being said, I really love to hate Gretchen!

Gretchen: you won two challenges. That does not make you Project Runway God. For Christ's sake, the judges fawned more over Michael C's monstrosity of a dress than they have over any of your "creations." It does not give you the right to preen around the workroom and offer tips for which no one asked. One of my favorite scenes was when A.J. put you in your place. And then you tried to justify it by saying "Oh, he's just upset because he was in the bottom." Sweetie, you're a bitch with a capital C.

Oh, and by the way, you will notice I didn't write anything about Michael C. That's because I think he's a no-talent hack who never should have been chosen for Project Runway in the first place.

Anyway, back to Joan Crawford... I mean, Gretchen. Let's break down Gretchen's looks:

Episode 1:

Handkerchief hem? Beaded shoulder pads? Again, Designing Women is over. Don't even get me started on the back. It looked like moths got at it.

Episode 2:

Tapered leg jumpsuit? Yes, because that's a look that looks good on SO many women. Choice of navy blue? It looks like her top got ripped as she was wheeling herself out from underneath my car.

Episode 3:

Tina Turner meets Olivia Newton John. Seriously. Sequenced fringe skirt? What was she thinking? Oh, and there was absolutely NO SHAPE to that top. Bad maternity. I was impressed by the jacket, but that's it.

Episode 4:

Do you remember that scene in "Gone With the Wind" when Scarlet tore the curtains down and made a fabulous dress out of them? What am I talking about? You're reading this blog. Of course you remember that. This dress kind of makes me think about that, but it looks like someone got there first and took all the good curtains and all that was left was the sheers in the upstairs bathroom that no one ever uses.

And the atrocity that is those leggings/boots make her look like she just stepped off the set of Vassar's all women production of "Robin Hood."

Step it up, honey. You are not God. You are not even that good. You just have a general sense of editing, something which the majority of the other designers lack.

Wow, that was cathartic! I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did!

Album Review: Arcade Fire's "The Suburbs"

The Suburbs, Arcade Fire, 2010

To much anticipation, Arcade Fire's third full album, "The Suburbs" was released yesterday. I had heard quite a bit of the album previously and was partially impressed, but after listening to the album in its entirety, all I have to say is "Wow."

Arcade Fire (or The Arcade Fire, if we want to be formal) are quite the interesting group. I think the best way to describe their music would be intellectually orchestral. Generally their songs start from a basic thesis, or melody, and spin into a level of complexity that is astounding, finishing at a point where one feels they need to genuflect for the theatric, almost religious, climax and satisfying denouement.

Their songs are very reflective of the dramatic images their name evokes. "Arcade Fire"... it sounds like something gothic and romantic in a love-lost sort of way. When my good friend and musical genius Weezer told me that their name came from an actual event where people they knew perished in an actual arcade fire, I was slightly disappointed. Actually, my first response was "Wow. I wonder what the hell happened to Vampire Weekend!" I think I would appreciate the name more if the band would have thought of it independent from reality, but that's beside the point.

Arcade Fire have been on a steady schedule of releasing an album every two years since 2004. As an testament to their longevity, indie and college rock stations are still playing works from Funeral (released in 2006) and Neon Bible (released in 2008). That my seem relatively recent, but the radio stations to which I generally listen usually retire tracks after they've been in rotation for 1-2 months. (I know, I'm a pretentious douche. Please refer to the title of the blog and remember where you are and who I am).

Neon Bible, Arcade Fire, 2008

Neon Bible (2008) and Funeral (2006) left a big reputation for Arcade Fire to uphold. I remember listening to "Intervention" one day on the radio and afterwords the DJ said "I always feel like I need to cross myself after listening to that song!" That's how many of the tracks on these albums are. They're just such heavy and complete ideas that when the song is over, one is left with an intense sense of satisfaction that is normally related to religious experiences. It's an amazing feeling.

Arcade Fire, Funeral, 2006

"The Suburbs" (2010) has had a lot of hype. I've been hearing about this album for a very long time. I heard one DJ equate the album to Radiohead's OK Computer (1997) which is really the album that launched Radiohead into a whole new category of artist: they were, at that point, no longer a rock band. At that point, they were innovative artists. OK Computer is often in "Top 10" lists of albums from the entirety of the 20th century and is personally one of my favorite albums of all time, so to compare "The Suburbs" to this album is to me both the ultimate compliment and incredibly dangerous.

Radiohead, OK Computer, 1997

Initially, I was a little apprehensive about The Suburbs. I had already heard many tracks from the album, and was only really deeply moved by the song "Ready to Start." However, after listening to the album cover to cover, my mind has been changed. Contrary to Arcade Fire's previous works, it feels like The Suburbs truly is an album rather than a collection of songs. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Neon Bible and Funeral, but they just do not have the kind of cohesiveness and completeness that is found in The Suburbs.

Thematically, there is a consistency of The Suburbs. It is very much a feeling of "We've finally made it, but what have we lost in the process?" It's very much looking at the state of their lives now in comparison to their modest, suburban, childhoods. One of my favorite lines from Ready to Start are the first two lines "Businessmen drink my blood/Like the kids in art school said they would." This line very much sets the tone for the entire album.

There are very few albums out there that have had a deep and lasting impact on me, and they are generally the ones that are very thematically consistent or which completely change the way I listen to music. They are generally albums which transcend genre and that personally impact me for one reason or another. One of those albums is OK Computer, which I've already mentioned, which both transcends genre and changed the way I listen to music. Here are some others:

Radiohead, Kid A, 2000

Beck, Sea Change, 2002

Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand, 2004

Jenny Lewis, Rabbit Fur Coat, 2006

Ben Folds, Ben Folds Live, 2002

Mark Ronson, Version, 2007

Rufus Wainwright, Want Two, 2004

TV on the Radio, Dear Science, 2008

I'm not sure if "The Suburbs" will make it onto this list, only time will tell, but I can tell you, I highly recommend this album, and I highly recommend listening to the album cover to cover. Although there are several strong individual entries to this album, I feel the only truly amazing single from the album will be Ready to Start. However, I would recommend buying the album. I may even buy it someday myself! Until then, I am perfectly happy streaming online!

Sorry for the lack of comedy in this post, but I take my music very seriously, so deal with it, bitches! A post on Project Runway will be coming later this week, so you can almost be guaranteed that will be laced with seething bitchery.