Lessons from the Burrito: How to be a jerk

Me, Hard(ly) at work!

At the Burrito, I've learned several lessons that are applicable to life in general. Through a series of posts, I would like to share my Burrito Wisdom, as I like to call it. For the first one, I would like to tackle one of my favorite lessons I've learned from the Burrito: how to be a jerk.

I've been suspicious of this fact for several years now, but my work at the Burrito has confirmed my suspicions on the following theory. There are two types of people in this world; there are people who play by the rules, and there are people who try to get as much as they possibly can while putting in the same, or less, effort as those who play by the rules. Let me illustrate with some quotes from Burrito customers: "Is that all the meat I get?!?" "Can't you put on just a little more cheese?" "Two dollars for extra meat! C'mon, man, just do me a favor this once!" And my two favorites: "If I make out with you, will you take a dollar off my bill?" (my response: "Sorry, miss, I'm not into chicks.") And, of course, "Can I get free food because I'm pretty?"

As a side note, the last two quotes were from customers who I have affectionately named "Burrito Skanks." These are women who come into the Burrito dressed in outfits that may be considered "sexy" in the low lighting of a bar situation and have exaggerated "evening" makeup looks; but in the florescent glory of the Burrito, they literally look like clowns. A tip to all the women out there: when you are dressing for the bar, please keep in mind that you may be in situations where non-drunk people who do not want to sleep with you will have to encounter you. Just a little PSA from me to you.

Now, on to being a jerk.

Back to the two types of people in the world. For the sake of time and space, let's refer to the first group of people, the rule followers, as "Saps" (now, please keep in mind, this is nothing personal to all you rule followers out there. I'm one of you, so don't be offended). And let's call the latter group, the rule benders, "Assholes" (I'm not going to apologize for that generalization, they truly are assholes).

Interacting with saps is easy, because we are generally an agreeable stock. We genuinely believe that everyone out there is working as hard as they possibly can to put forth their best work they can, and we work as hard as we possibly can to put forth the best work we possibly can. Therefore, we don't often get angry at people because we are extremely empathetic and constantly trying to see things through other peoples' eyes. Generally, we believe the world works best when we all work together toward a common goal and our priorities are larger scale in nature. It's more humanistic and less individualistic.

Interacting with assholes is much more difficult. This is because assholes are much more individualistic in their interactions with others. They are constantly striving to improve their own standings: socially, financially, professionally, even in getting a little extra meat on their burrito for free. You see, assholes are basically sociopaths. They know what they're doing goes against social mores, but they honestly don't care. They do everything they possibly can to get as much as they possibly can with as little personal effort or cost as possible. Basically, they're Republicans.

= Assholes.

Now, when I first started working at the Burrito, I tried to be as nice as I could with these people: "I'm really sorry. I'd love to give you some extra food for free, but we really aren't allowed." "I'm sorry, my boss is standing right next to me, and if I give you extra food, I'm going to lose my job." "I'm sorry it's so expensive, but I don't set the prices and there is really nothing I can do here." "I'm sorry that I don't find you attractive, but I really, really, REALLY like dudes." However, the longer I have worked at the Burrito, the more I've realized that these people really don't care about these reasons. All they care about is getting as much as they possibly can and that if I show any weakness whatsoever, they will pry as hard as they possibly can to get me to bend to their will. Thus, a two sentence interaction with someone becomes a ten minute interaction.

The answer? It's okay to be a jerk. "I'll give you extra food, but you're going to have to pay more." "Stop yelling at me or I'm going to call the cops." "Sir, I'll throw your burrito in the trash if you call me one more derogatory name." And, of course, "First of all, I'm really, really gay. Second of all, even if I weren't, I wouldn't sleep with you because I enjoy my life herpes-free."

These answers do a couple things for me. First of all, they're really REALLY satisfying. I mean REALLY! I used to be extremely non-confrontational, but there really is an endorphin rush associated with telling someone to eat shit and die. It's not the best problem solving method in life, but man, does it feel good! Second of all, I think these answers teach the assholes a lesson. It teaches them that they cannot coerce their way through life and that people can see through their bullshit and recognize just how unattractive it is.

Now I'd like to share a story of one of my first, and most satisfying experiences in being a jerk. Last Halloween I was working late night at the Burrito when a large group (about 10 people) of very drunk, and very young, college students came in. It was probably around midnight at the time and they were all in costume. They all proceeded to use the restroom and not purchase any food. When they had all used the restroom, they decided to sit at one of our tables and have a very loud conversation for 20 minutes (without purchasing anything from us). Towards the end of their non-burrito, Burrito foray, one particularly annoying woman dressed head-to-toe in a gold leotard with large-rimmed black glasses (obvious American Apparel/Hipster/Douchebag wear) approached the counter and yelled at me, "Hey burrito boy!"

"Yes miss?"

"Is that shirt you're wearing American Apparel?" (I was wearing a deep-V American Apparel t-shirt at the time from my favorite pub, London Underground [212 Main Street, Ames, IA])

"Why yes, miss, it is."

"Everything I'm wearing right now is from American Apparel! Guess what I am?" she exclaimed.

I took a second to ponder her possible costume choices, and I responded: "A giant douche?"

Well, needless to say, the woman was enraged. But, in my defense, what other costume possibility could that be? A member of the Special Olympics gymnastic team? A C-minus student? A huge disappointment to her parents?

The woman yelled a number of obscenities at me, tried to get behind the counter to punch me, and proceeded to tell all of her male friends what I had said to try to get them to hurt me (each one of them laughed when she told them what I had said). She continued to yell at me and curse me as harshly as she could "NO TIPS FOR YOU! NO TIPS FOR YOU!" as her friends dragged her out of the restaurant.

This interaction was extremely satisfying for me.

Try it for yourself sometime! I promise you won't be disappointed!

That's all for now, Lieblings, it's already been a long day and my allergies are acting up. Love you all!

Project Runway: Addendum

Oh, and how could I forget:

"Designers, I'm on a boat."

That is all.

Project Runway: Let's catch up

Oh Heidi, you look terrible.

Good morning girls! I need to start this post off with an apology. I'm afraid I've gotten a little behind in my Project Runway posts. It's a long story. I had a very eventful couple of weeks and had to be sequestered from my TV, so only recently have I caught up on my stories. However, I'd like to do a quick recap and update you all on my ever-evolving opinions of the designers.

FIrst and foremost: FASHION WEEK!!! For those of you who may be unaware, the Season 8 finalists showed their collections last Thursday! The way this works is that all designers left on the show at the time of airing design a collection for fashion week. Basically, this means that 10 designers presented collections last Thursday (even Casanova, who was eliminated about 8 hours after the fashion show... you'd think the producers would have delayed the show until Friday so that they could have saved some money in funding Casanova's line, but whatevs. If they want to waste money, that's their business!) So there were probably 7 decoy collections and 3 finalists.

If you'd like to see all the individual lines, I would encourage you to visit one of my favorite blogs of all time, Project Rungay: http://projectrungay.blogspot.com/. I will post my opinions on the individual lines after the finale because... well... I don't want to take the time to dish on a bunch of shitty collections *AHEM... Michael C.*

So lets get to the gossip!

Pictured: One (no longer?) Cold-Hearted Bitch

Gretchen! What happened to you? You aren't getting the bitch edit anymore! I must admit, I kind of miss hating you! However, it's hard for me to maintain my distaste for you when everyone is hugging you and being all lovey-dovey. You were even patient with Casanova this week and really worked with him on piecing together the look in his mind.

However, the look you pieced together was still this:

Could this possibly be sabotage? I'd love to think so, but I honestly don't think it was. I truly think this is what Casanova wanted.

However, shitty Ladies who Lunch aside, Gretchen has kind of fallen to mediocrity. She caught the judges attention early because of her expert sewing and tailoring skills, but over the past two weeks she's produced this:

And this:

http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/project-runway/season-8/rate-the-runway/episode-7#rate

(Again, having problems pulling up individual runway photos from this week)

Horrendous. Atrocious. Humiliating. Those poor models.

It seems to me that Gretchen is doing whatever she can to obscure and misrepresent her models' bodies. "Hey, I've got an idea! What if I made a nighty and layered it with a dirty tank top that looks like a 3 year old took a pair of safety scissors to it?" Or "What if I made a jumpsuit out of the cheapest material available, with a heavily bloused top?" Those are looks that are flattering on SO MANY women!

Gretchen, it seems to me that when you are being a bitch, your designs really catch the judges' eyes. However, when you're trying to be nice, your designs are mediocre at best.

Let's ramp up the bitch factor, Gretchen! It's the only way you're going to win!

On to my new villain:

Get your hands away from your face, you douche. You look like you belong in a Jane Austen novel.

I must admit, I had sympathy for Michael Costello for about 3 seconds. It seemed like all of the other designers were ganging up on him and he seemed genuinely hurt by the ugliness.

However, I was never fooled by his design capabilities, or lack thereof. His design style (which was confirmed to me by his final collection) is one of "I'm going to look at what every other popular designer is doing right now, copy it in a cheap fabric, and put my name on it." He shows no capability, no promise, and a total lack of taste.

You may be asking right now "What happened?!?" Only a week and a half ago, I was showing leniency towards Michael C. Well, something happened to change all of that. I've been reading some blogs and interviews from Michael's fellow contestants, and I've been reading some disturbing things. Accusations such as his character being a fabrication with the intention of creating interest so that he may generate his own spin-off. Trying to be the "wounded lamb" in order to garner sympathy and a fan base. Now having a reality TV contestant fabricate a persona is not necessarily a new or even original concept, but I think it does show a disturbing amount of disingenuousness and does not win points in my book. Were these accusations coming from only one designer, I would not necessarily believe these accounts, but this is something that has been posted by multiple designers.

It seems that the producers are playing right into this scheme. It seems that they are going out of their way to make Michael appear as the victim and everyone else as the "bad guy." However, every other designer is saying that Michael cannot sew, has no design aesthetic, and is generally kind of a jerk. I trust the other designers much more than I do the producers, editors, or even the judges. The other designers were with one another 24/7 for several weeks. If they all say someone can't sew, I'm going to believe them.

Michael C., you are a troll. You have thumb-fingers and can barely operate a sewing machine. Plus you didn't bring a tape measurer, you dumbass.

On to the person who HAS been getting the bitch edit lately:

"Guys! Michael C. is totally talking shit about me! He called me the BITCH of the show! How dare he! I say that because a friend of a friend who went to High School with Michael C. for 3 months before he moved because his dad was re-stationed to Germany told me so!"

"Oh yeah, Heidi, Michael D. totally can't sew. Even though he's now had two looks in the top three and I've had two looks in the bottom and never been in the top 3, I'm TOTALLY better than him."

Well, gurl, you wanted this to be The Ivy Show, and it's certainly becoming that. However, I don't think it's The Ivy Show you were imagining. You need to stop talking shit, put your nose to the pavement, and start producing designs that are visually pleasing.

Now on to my little princess:

Isn't he adorable? I'd love to see his head hat/handkerchief-less. I can't help but to wonder what he's hiding under there!

However, regardless of how adorable he is, he produced this:

Which can be best described as "1998 Lane Bryant Chic."

It's obvious that Michael is very accustomed to working with a very specific body shape: very thin, very tall women. Again, there is nothing wrong with that because that is the majority of the models for whom he will be designing. However, as far as clients go, it's a very small percentage of the populous. Michael made up for this misstep a bit this week with his resort wear, but if you take a close look at that look, you will notice that it doesn't transcend body shape. That look would only look good on a woman who is very tall and very thin. Again, nothing wrong with this fact, it's just a small percentage of the clientele.

Michael has a serious shot at being very successful in this show barring the chance of a menswear, drag queen, or professional wrestler challenge.

Now I'd like to take a moment of silence to remember our fallen comrades:

Peach, Casanova, you were absolutely terrible designers, but goddammit, you were entertaining! You were the life of the show and even though I hated your designs week after week, I found myself rooting for you two. You are fun, funny, energetic, and beautiful people. Well, except for Casanova's nipple sweater and Peach's shoe/sunglass blouse.

Regardless of poor design aesthetic and poor personal style choices, you two will be sorely missed. RIP.

Okay bitches, that's all I've got today. I hope everyone enjoyed and has a wonderful MONDAY!

Hearts and ass-smacks, C.

Emmys 2010: The Red Carpet

Lieblings, I must admit, I did not watch the Emmys last night. I didn't even watch the red carpet. Those things just tend to bore me. I really didn't want to suffer through Mary Hart trying to talk with half-drunk celebrities concerning designers about whom they do not care; nor awards being presented to shows that I never have nor never will watch. Besides The Devil Wears Prada was on and I hadn't seen that movie for a good three weeks.

However, I did sit down at my computer with my coffee this morning and did some fun red carpet judging. My thoughts are below.

Before I get started, let me say that I think red carpets are ridiculous. Celebrities get dressed up to look good for 5 minutes, then they get drunk and spill red wine all over their $50,000 borrowed Oscar de la Renta one-of-a-kind, couture work of art. Actors and actresses never look as good as the models anyway, so why bother? Well, I'm glad they do bother, because it's fun to judge! All I'm saying is that the whole thing just seems a little ridiculous to me.

That being said, on to the judging!

Kim Kardashian, Marchesa

First of all, who the hell is Kim Kardashian? I mean, I know she has a reality show and everything, but why did she get a reality show in the first place? And why is everyone obsessed with her?

I'm impressed with this look for two reasons: First of all, Kimmy here looks downright demure, and from what little I know of her, that's a serious stretch. Secondly, I'm impressed that Marchesa actually designed a dress that looks like a dress and not an origami project. Marchesa has taken great strides to utterly destroy the fashion industry, and it's nice to see them giving something back. Even though it is in the form of Kim Kardashian.

Betty White

Let me just say this: If I live to be 88 years old and am nominated (and win) an Emmy, this is what I will wear to the awards ceremony.

Lea Michele, Oscar de la Renta

In this dress, I can just envision Lea, after NOT winning, throwing a huge hissy fit. Can't you just see her ripping apart her hotel room, writhing back and forth on her bed, crying hysterically, covered in feathers from the pillows she ripped apart in rage, mascara running down her face? For some reason, that image brings a smile to my face. I don't know why the image of Lea Michele crying makes me smile, but it just does.

It's cute, but doesn't translate well to the real world. The ruffles on the bottom are all wrinkly, and the asymmetrical bust just looks weird.

Heidi Klum, Marchesa

There's that cracktastic Marchesa that I love to hate!

Oh, Heidi, I love ya! That being said, I'm glad you didn't win. Can you imagine her on an elevated stage accepting an award in this dress? She would flash her cha-cha to the first ten rows! This woman has given birth to 4 children. no woman who has given birth to 4 children should be allowed to wear this short of dress.

I'm glad to see she's starting to figure out the hair. That crazy-banged shag style was starting to drive me crazy. If you want to hide the wrinkles on your forehead, Heidi, get Botox like the rest of us.

Kyra Sedgwick, Monique Lhuillier

Absolutely beautiful. Of course, I would be too were I one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon.

However, what's up with the bag? It looks like a sunglass case for a pair of huge novelty sunglasses. Just make Kevin put all your shit in his pockets; it's your night, Honey!

Jane Lynch, Ali Rahimi

Oh Jane, you were so close! If only all the pictures were taken of you from the hip up, you would look fabulous! It's just too bad you decided to sew your sleeping bag on the bottom at the last minute. Look, Jane, I know these things can go pretty late into the evening and you're just being practical here thinking you may want to take a nap, but you can do better!

Something about Jane Lynch on the red carpet just always feels off. You can tell that she feels about as comfortable in an evening gown as Sandra Bullock. She could totally rock the power lesbian tux look if she wanted to. It feels like she would be much more comfortable in a fabulous pair of slacks. Just embrace it, Jane, don't try to fight it!

Paula Abdul, in something cheap and shiny

Hey, Paula! You look like a cheap, shiny, crack whore.

Anna Paquin, McQueen

First of all, let me just say that I love love LOVE Alexander McQueen. I was deeply saddened when he died. I think he was a true creative genius in the fashion industry. However, he designs for a very specific type of woman: very tall, very lean. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just how his dresses are built.

Apparently Anna Paquin is on one of those vampire shows, I get them confused. I will always remember her for being a whiny Rogue and turning the character from a superhero to a whiny bitch. "Oh, I can't touch my boyfriend. Oh, boo hoo." Buy a vibrator and get over yourself, honey, you can literally absorb power.

Anyway, regardless of who she is, this dress makes her look like Snooki. Short and like a box.

Tina Fey, Oscar de la Renta

That's a whole lotta dress for a little thing like Tina. However, she's working the hell out of it and looks fab.

I'm not a huge fan of the makeup. A little too drag queen for the Emmys.

Lauren Bosworth, Karen Caldwell

Apparently (according to Wikipedia), Lauren Bosworth is on a little show called "The Hills." News to me. What you may not know about Lauren, however, is that she had to cut out an hour early from her shift at the bank to make it to the Emmys.

Kelly Osbourne, Tony Ward

What the f.... Kelly Osbourne? Seriously? THAT Kelly Osbourne? Who would have ever imagined an awards show where Kelly Osbourne is one of the chicest on the red carpet?

Kudos to you, gurl. Just remember: you can never eat a carb again or you will explode.

Kate Gosselin, Carmen Marc Valvo

"Hey everyone, I'm Kate! I have 8 kids and no talent! And just look at how saggy my tits are!"

Emily Deschanel, Max Azria Atelier

LOVE Emily Deschanel. HATE this dress. It looks like a bad pirate wench costume. It looks like she should be a hostess at Red Lobster. It looks like she's starring in a community theatre production of Madame Butterfly. Whew! That was exhausting!

However, love the hair and makeup. Beautiful.

Jewel, Zuhair Murad

"Hey guys! I TOTALLY almost forgot the Emmys! I was dressed for bed and saw the red carpet coming on, so I cut the straps off my nightgown and rushed right over!"

Jewel, you're 36. It's time to stop dressing like you're 7.

Kathy and Maggie Griffin, Oscar de la Renta

Okay, this may be kind of sick of me to say, but I want this to be me and my mom. I can just picture us on the red carpet together as I go to receive my Emmy for the reality show based on my fabulous, yet D-list-y life. I don't think I would look as good in the Oscar de la Renda, though.

Speaking of Oscar de la Renta, was he a sponsor of the 2010 Emmys? It seams like he's the go-to designer this year.

January Jones, Versace

*Sigh* Oh, January. January, January, January. Will you ever learn? The dress is cute enough, I suppose. With the exception of the fan-tits. Those are just weird. But what's up with the hair and makeup? You look like a Lady of the Evening after a few clients. The dress is just very polished and you are very not.

You need to fire your stylist ASAP and hire Rachel Zoe to just live under your bed and scream at you every time you try to leave the house looking like this. "BANANAS!"

Christina Hendricks, Zac Posen

BOOBS! Now, this is the best Christina's looked BOOBS! on the red carpet for a long time, but still, BOOBS! I know it's impossible to hide them, but BOOBS! there must be a way to BOOBS! minimize them.

BOOBS!

BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Narcisco Rodriguez

"Hey, everyone! I was in a really really famous TV show 20 years ago and haven't been known for anything else since! So I've basically worn the same dress on the red carpet for the past 20 years!"

"P.S., check out my scary, Madonna-esque, lobster claw of a hand! I'm old!"

Doogie Howser and his adorable boyfriend

I just had to include this one because these two are so damn cute together. Seriously. If we could have a gay president and first-lady, I would totally vote for Doogie. Too cute for words.

Elizabeth Moss, Donna Karan

I love ya, Peggy! The hair's a little dated, and the dress could use some color, but you look SO beautiful! I never thought I'd see the day when January Jones could take style advice from you.

Mario Lopez

I'm sorry, but why was Mario Lopez at the Emmys? It seems like he should be following his usual Sunday night routine and doing 5,000 crunches followed by cruising online for some man-ass.

Was there some abs/ass shot at the Emmys of which I am not aware?

Wanda Sykes, Zuhair Murad

Oh Wanda. Yikes. As far as the Power Lesbians go for the evening, I think Jane Lynch has you beat. This is just NOT the right dress for you. You can basically cut and paste my "Power Lesbian" style advice for Jane Lynch over to you.

Now, I'm not saying all Lesbians have to go the suit/tie look for awards ceremonies, it just seems that some women never wear dresses. There is nothing wrong with that. Instead of forcing themselves to wear a dress for a "fancy occasion," they should celebrate the fact that they never wear dresses and find the best damn pants they can!

Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons

All I have to say is this: Lucky Tom. Me-yow! That is some serious arm-candy. It seems like Padma's lost all the baby weight, too. Good for her! I don't know if I've ever seen these women look more beautiful.

Scott Bakula

Ouch. It looks like Scott Bakula's life was being held together by Enterprise, and ever since then, everything has just gone downhill. It looks like Scott is channeling some serious Christopher Lloyd mojo in conjuring this look.

PS- the hair is terrible. No man over the age of 40 should every wear the shaggy hair look. You are not Justin Bieber. In fact, you could be his grandfather. Stop it, Scott! For god's sake, you used to be a hunk!

Mark Salling

Speaking of hunks...

Thanks so much, Puck, now I need a change of pants.

Glenn Close, Rubin Singer

I cannot speak ill of Glenn Close. I just can't. It's a gay sin. She's too fabulous. However, I wish she'd stop trying to do strapless. She's fairly broad-shouldered and the strapless just emphasizes that fact. It's looking a little tranny here. However, love ya, Glenn! You cannot do wrong in my eyes!

Okay, I skipped a lot, but that was exhausting! Hope you enjoyed the ones I got to!