Lieblings, I must admit, I did not watch the Emmys last night. I didn't even watch the red carpet. Those things just tend to bore me. I really didn't want to suffer through Mary Hart trying to talk with half-drunk celebrities concerning designers about whom they do not care; nor awards being presented to shows that I never have nor never will watch. Besides The Devil Wears Prada was on and I hadn't seen that movie for a good three weeks.
However, I did sit down at my computer with my coffee this morning and did some fun red carpet judging. My thoughts are below.
Before I get started, let me say that I think red carpets are ridiculous. Celebrities get dressed up to look good for 5 minutes, then they get drunk and spill red wine all over their $50,000 borrowed Oscar de la Renta one-of-a-kind, couture work of art. Actors and actresses never look as good as the models anyway, so why bother? Well, I'm glad they do bother, because it's fun to judge! All I'm saying is that the whole thing just seems a little ridiculous to me.
That being said, on to the judging!
Kim Kardashian, Marchesa
First of all, who the hell is Kim Kardashian? I mean, I know she has a reality show and everything, but why did she get a reality show in the first place? And why is everyone obsessed with her?
I'm impressed with this look for two reasons: First of all, Kimmy here looks downright demure, and from what little I know of her, that's a serious stretch. Secondly, I'm impressed that Marchesa actually designed a dress that looks like a dress and not an origami project. Marchesa has taken great strides to utterly destroy the fashion industry, and it's nice to see them giving something back. Even though it is in the form of Kim Kardashian.
Let me just say this: If I live to be 88 years old and am nominated (and win) an Emmy, this is what I will wear to the awards ceremony.
Lea Michele, Oscar de la Renta
In this dress, I can just envision Lea, after NOT winning, throwing a huge hissy fit. Can't you just see her ripping apart her hotel room, writhing back and forth on her bed, crying hysterically, covered in feathers from the pillows she ripped apart in rage, mascara running down her face? For some reason, that image brings a smile to my face. I don't know why the image of Lea Michele crying makes me smile, but it just does.
It's cute, but doesn't translate well to the real world. The ruffles on the bottom are all wrinkly, and the asymmetrical bust just looks weird.
Heidi Klum, Marchesa
There's that cracktastic Marchesa that I love to hate!
Oh, Heidi, I love ya! That being said, I'm glad you didn't win. Can you imagine her on an elevated stage accepting an award in this dress? She would flash her cha-cha to the first ten rows! This woman has given birth to 4 children. no woman who has given birth to 4 children should be allowed to wear this short of dress.
I'm glad to see she's starting to figure out the hair. That crazy-banged shag style was starting to drive me crazy. If you want to hide the wrinkles on your forehead, Heidi, get Botox like the rest of us.
Kyra Sedgwick, Monique Lhuillier
Absolutely beautiful. Of course, I would be too were I one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon.
However, what's up with the bag? It looks like a sunglass case for a pair of huge novelty sunglasses. Just make Kevin put all your shit in his pockets; it's your night, Honey!
Jane Lynch, Ali Rahimi
Oh Jane, you were so close! If only all the pictures were taken of you from the hip up, you would look fabulous! It's just too bad you decided to sew your sleeping bag on the bottom at the last minute. Look, Jane, I know these things can go pretty late into the evening and you're just being practical here thinking you may want to take a nap, but you can do better!
Something about Jane Lynch on the red carpet just always feels off. You can tell that she feels about as comfortable in an evening gown as Sandra Bullock. She could totally rock the power lesbian tux look if she wanted to. It feels like she would be much more comfortable in a fabulous pair of slacks. Just embrace it, Jane, don't try to fight it!
Paula Abdul, in something cheap and shiny
Hey, Paula! You look like a cheap, shiny, crack whore.
Anna Paquin, McQueen
First of all, let me just say that I love love LOVE Alexander McQueen. I was deeply saddened when he died. I think he was a true creative genius in the fashion industry. However, he designs for a very specific type of woman: very tall, very lean. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just how his dresses are built.
Apparently Anna Paquin is on one of those vampire shows, I get them confused. I will always remember her for being a whiny Rogue and turning the character from a superhero to a whiny bitch. "Oh, I can't touch my boyfriend. Oh, boo hoo." Buy a vibrator and get over yourself, honey, you can literally absorb power.
Anyway, regardless of who she is, this dress makes her look like Snooki. Short and like a box.
Tina Fey, Oscar de la Renta
That's a whole lotta dress for a little thing like Tina. However, she's working the hell out of it and looks fab.
I'm not a huge fan of the makeup. A little too drag queen for the Emmys.
Lauren Bosworth, Karen Caldwell
Apparently (according to Wikipedia), Lauren Bosworth is on a little show called "The Hills." News to me. What you may not know about Lauren, however, is that she had to cut out an hour early from her shift at the bank to make it to the Emmys.
Kelly Osbourne, Tony Ward
What the f.... Kelly Osbourne? Seriously? THAT Kelly Osbourne? Who would have ever imagined an awards show where Kelly Osbourne is one of the chicest on the red carpet?
Kudos to you, gurl. Just remember: you can never eat a carb again or you will explode.
Kate Gosselin, Carmen Marc Valvo
"Hey everyone, I'm Kate! I have 8 kids and no talent! And just look at how saggy my tits are!"
Emily Deschanel, Max Azria Atelier
LOVE Emily Deschanel. HATE this dress. It looks like a bad pirate wench costume. It looks like she should be a hostess at Red Lobster. It looks like she's starring in a community theatre production of Madame Butterfly. Whew! That was exhausting!
However, love the hair and makeup. Beautiful.
Jewel, Zuhair Murad
"Hey guys! I TOTALLY almost forgot the Emmys! I was dressed for bed and saw the red carpet coming on, so I cut the straps off my nightgown and rushed right over!"
Jewel, you're 36. It's time to stop dressing like you're 7.
Kathy and Maggie Griffin, Oscar de la Renta
Okay, this may be kind of sick of me to say, but I want this to be me and my mom. I can just picture us on the red carpet together as I go to receive my Emmy for the reality show based on my fabulous, yet D-list-y life. I don't think I would look as good in the Oscar de la Renda, though.
Speaking of Oscar de la Renta, was he a sponsor of the 2010 Emmys? It seams like he's the go-to designer this year.
January Jones, Versace
*Sigh* Oh, January. January, January, January. Will you ever learn? The dress is cute enough, I suppose. With the exception of the fan-tits. Those are just weird. But what's up with the hair and makeup? You look like a Lady of the Evening after a few clients. The dress is just very polished and you are very not.
You need to fire your stylist ASAP and hire Rachel Zoe to just live under your bed and scream at you every time you try to leave the house looking like this. "BANANAS!"
Christina Hendricks, Zac Posen
BOOBS! Now, this is the best Christina's looked BOOBS! on the red carpet for a long time, but still, BOOBS! I know it's impossible to hide them, but BOOBS! there must be a way to BOOBS! minimize them.
BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Narcisco Rodriguez
"Hey, everyone! I was in a really really famous TV show 20 years ago and haven't been known for anything else since! So I've basically worn the same dress on the red carpet for the past 20 years!"
"P.S., check out my scary, Madonna-esque, lobster claw of a hand! I'm old!"
Doogie Howser and his adorable boyfriend
I just had to include this one because these two are so damn cute together. Seriously. If we could have a gay president and first-lady, I would totally vote for Doogie. Too cute for words.
Elizabeth Moss, Donna Karan
I love ya, Peggy! The hair's a little dated, and the dress could use some color, but you look SO beautiful! I never thought I'd see the day when January Jones could take style advice from you.
I'm sorry, but why was Mario Lopez at the Emmys? It seems like he should be following his usual Sunday night routine and doing 5,000 crunches followed by cruising online for some man-ass.
Was there some abs/ass shot at the Emmys of which I am not aware?
Wanda Sykes, Zuhair Murad
Oh Wanda. Yikes. As far as the Power Lesbians go for the evening, I think Jane Lynch has you beat. This is just NOT the right dress for you. You can basically cut and paste my "Power Lesbian" style advice for Jane Lynch over to you.
Now, I'm not saying all Lesbians have to go the suit/tie look for awards ceremonies, it just seems that some women never wear dresses. There is nothing wrong with that. Instead of forcing themselves to wear a dress for a "fancy occasion," they should celebrate the fact that they never wear dresses and find the best damn pants they can!
Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons
All I have to say is this: Lucky Tom. Me-yow! That is some serious arm-candy. It seems like Padma's lost all the baby weight, too. Good for her! I don't know if I've ever seen these women look more beautiful.
Ouch. It looks like Scott Bakula's life was being held together by Enterprise, and ever since then, everything has just gone downhill. It looks like Scott is channeling some serious Christopher Lloyd mojo in conjuring this look.
PS- the hair is terrible. No man over the age of 40 should every wear the shaggy hair look. You are not Justin Bieber. In fact, you could be his grandfather. Stop it, Scott! For god's sake, you used to be a hunk!
Speaking of hunks...
Thanks so much, Puck, now I need a change of pants.
Glenn Close, Rubin Singer
I cannot speak ill of Glenn Close. I just can't. It's a gay sin. She's too fabulous. However, I wish she'd stop trying to do strapless. She's fairly broad-shouldered and the strapless just emphasizes that fact. It's looking a little tranny here. However, love ya, Glenn! You cannot do wrong in my eyes!
Okay, I skipped a lot, but that was exhausting! Hope you enjoyed the ones I got to!