Thursday, December 16, 2010

Weekly Wrap-Up: How to lose friends and not influence people

Good morning, kittens. It's been a long week, and it isn't even Friday yet. I don't know about you, my loves, but I'm already ready for a drink!

Let's wrap this bitch up and move on!


... Dammit.

Well darlings, we got through almost all of 2010 without anymore snow, but it just wasn't fated to be. Winter is here to stay, and I couldn't be more pissed. The only solace I have is watching students with improper footwear try to ice skate around campus, and the Burrito Skanks in their mini-skirts slowly develop frostbite on their thighs. But since Winter Break starts tomorrow for students, I'm going to be deprived of both these joys until January.

Oh well, I guess I'll just huddle for warmth in my very drafty office and continue to sip on my lukewarm coffee which may or may not be spiked with Jameson.

Stella's on a rampage

In other news, my cat hates me.

Look at that face. Doesn't it just scream "I'm going to eat out your eyes while you're sleeping"?

For those of you who haven't met her yet, I'd like to introduce Stella. Stella and I have been together for about a year now, and generally, we get along well. However, over the past week, Stella has decided she hates me. I try to bribe her with catnip toys and fancy treats, but then she's just pissed at me when I switch her back to her regular diet of dry food.

Over the past year, I've developed the ability to interpret Stella, so I'd like to share a conversation we had last night:

Me: "Stella, come here and cuddle!"

Stella: "Meeeow" (Translation: "Fuck you.")

Me: "Stella, I looooooove you!"

Stella: "Meoooow" (Translation: "I SAID fuck you.")

Me: "Stella, come here and cuddle so I can give you loves and treats!"

Stella: "Meowwwww" (Translation: "Oh, just die already so I can scavenge off your body.")

Oh, and by the way, many people have asked about how I came up with the name Stella. They assume it has to do with my love of imported beers,

... but actually it revolves around my intense love of a young Marlon Brando circa "Streetcar Named Desire"
I don't think a caption is needed here, do you?

In other news of ridiculously unrealistic crushes...


As I've previously mentioned, Dale Levitski from Bravo's Top Chef is undoubtably my biggest reality TV crush of all time, past or present. Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to drool over Dale as he's participated in "Top Chef: All Stars." However, no more. Last night, Dale was eliminated. It was very sad.

*Sigh* I find it hard to find the passion to watch TV ever again. If it weren't for Iman, I might just call it good and pick up a book.

I'd like to take this opportunity to reiterate my everlasting devotion to you, Dale. Again, if you are a self-involved bitch like me who googles your name and you happen to stumble across my blog, marry me. Seriously, it's legal in Iowa (for now). In fact, I'm just going to mention your name a few more times to put it a little higher in the Google search results.

Dale Levitski

Dale Levitski

Dale Levitski

Desperate? Perhaps. But hey, again, it's worth a shot!

Things I'm obsessed with right now

I'd like to take a minute to highlight some things in my life right now that I couldn't do without.

Peter Gabriel

No, seriously. Peter Gabriel's latest album Scratch My Back is amazing and beautiful, I highly recommend it. The entire album is completely orchestral, with no electric instruments whatsoever. It is all covers of relatively famous indie rock songs from the past few years. Absolutely worth it.

Homemade Pasta

I don't mention it very often, but I'm actually a pretty good cook. I learned how to cook from my Grandma, who is an amazing cook. However, my Grandma doesn't use recipes and doesn't measure ingredients. Therefore, figuring out how to cook things like her can be challenging (to say the least!). Recently, I've mastered my Grandma's recipe for noodles, which was always my favorite growing up. Now I can't get enough! I'm having noodles and mashed potatoes for every meal! It isn't particularly great, because this deviation from my usual meal of Kashi cereal and soy milk has slightly increased my weight over the past few weeks. However, totally worth it.

Irish Coffee

Irish Coffee is a pretty standard drink for me when the weather gets cold. It's one of the only reasons I like winter. It gives me the opportunity to look classy in the bar and be an alcoholic all at the same time.

A Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas

I can't stand Mormons. I'm sorry, but I just take issue with obviously made up religions. It doesn't help their case that they view homosexuality as an illness, the cure of which is electroshock therapy. Seriously. They do. Google that shit.

Listen, I've been to Salt Lake City and toured all the historic Mormon sites. I studied dance in college and even danced with some of the guys from Brigham Young University (by the way: GAY!!! Gayer than gay. Those guys were fah-laming), and I can say, Mormons are crazy.

However, they have a fantastic choir. Generally, I can't stand Christmas music, but A Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas is fantastic. It has that larger-than-life sound which is spectacular. I highly recommend it.

Annie Lennox "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

Annie Lennox is fabulous. I think we're all in agreement with that fact. Her version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is beautiful. I linked it on Facebook a few weeks ago, but it didn't get the kind of traffic I wanted, so I thought I would repost it! It's got an old-fashioned Victorian style to it. It harkens back to the days when Christmas was still a mixture of the original Pagan and later Christian holidays. Enjoy!

Wrap-up for the wrap-up

Alright kids, I think I'm done for the week. I love you all and hope you have a weekend akin to an average Tuesday during the reign of Caligula.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A treatise against children

I'm going to get hell for this one.

Children are annoying. There. I said it. I'm sick of tip-toeing around this fact and pretending that other peoples' children are cute and adorable when, in fact, they are selfish, self-consumed, and completely and utterly intolerable. Basically, they are me, but without the witty commentary.

Yeah... maybe just a little childish

Quick note: This commentary does not apply to my nieces and nephews. They are adorable and precious and I will continue to spoil them until they sufficiently love me.

I'm in my late twenties... Very... late twenties, and I'm starting to get to the point when all of my friends (especially my female friends) are either having baby after baby after baby, or are all-consumed with the thought of having a baby (yes, Katie, you are the inspiration of this post. That is Katie Davidson, fruit-fly master, whose biological clock is akin to Big Ben). And the fact of the matter is, I'm sick of it! Babies are horrible little impish creatures who will destroy your social life and make you as interesting as wallpaper.

It's been several years now since I first read Swift's A Modest Proposal, but while reading it the first time, I actually thought to myself "Hmm... That sounds like a good idea!"

Jonathan Swift: Genius AND sexy devil

Fundamentally, I have no problem with the process of conception. In fact, I think it's pretty fabulous (aside from the involvement of vaginas... ew). My biggest issue is when the little parasites get big enough to cry in restaurants, movie theaters, airplanes, et al.

I have to apologize, I'm going to get all Susan Sarandon for a minute up in here.

The world is overpopulated. Grossly overpopulated. In several countries around the world (including the United States), children without homes are starving to death every day, or slowly dying of disease. The fact that you (yes, I'm looking at you) would choose to bring another child into the world is selfish and irresponsible. Instead of further taxing our already strained resources, wouldn't it make more sense to save the life of a child already in existence? Basically, in your choice to have a child instead of adopting, you are committing murder. I hope you feel happy with that fact.

Whew. That was heavy! I will have you know that if I ever do decide to have a child (which I may, who knows), I will definitely adopt. Although, after writing this post, it'll be pretty unlikely that any adoption agency with internet access would allow a child within 500 yards of me!

Now, I understand the desire to have a big family. I really do. My mom came from a family with 13 children, and family reunions are a blast. She has extremely interesting and fun stories from growing up with all her siblings, and I'm sure she wouldn't trade that for the world. But let me ask you this: Which family would you rather have?


That's what I thought.

As I'm getting to the stage in my life when most of my friends are having children, or trying to have children, it seems that two things are happening to my friends. Either they have children and disappear completely (because we all know you can't have children AND a social life), or all I ever hear from them is BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY! What about me?!? You didn't even notice my cute new shoes!

And the culprit of these horrible crimes against humanity? That little smelly creature in the corner to whom you refer to as Hunter. (By the way, "Hunter"? Seriously?)

So, friends, I implore you: just say no. Children are not the solution to your meaningless life. Try drugs and alcohol like the rest of us.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Sarah Palin is the worst person in the world.

Doncha know.

I made the unfortunate mistake a couple weeks ago of briefly stopping at Sarah Palin's Alaska whilst flipping through the channels. Wow, that woman is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Now, there have been a lot of female Republicans in the past with whom I've fundamentally disagreed: Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Laura Bush. However, regardless of my disagreement with these women, I have, nonetheless, respected them as educated, well spoken persons whose opinions happened to differ from mine. However, Sarah Palin represents a new and dangerous trend from the Right: female Republican personalities who are idiots. Morons. Genetic anomalies. Here are some of my favorite examples:

Michele Bachmann, Representative from Hell's 6th congressional district

Christine O'Donnell, Senate candidate from Salem, Mass.

Any blond, female, Fox News "correspondent." They're all blond, they all have the intellectual curiosity of an amoeba.

You may be asking exactly what the tipping point for me was. Why am I so angry at stupid republicans now? Why am I focusing my wrath on the moronic females? There are, after all, plenty of moronic males in the Republican party. Well, while I was watching Sarah Palin's Alaska, a comment emerged from Sarah's lips that I find unforgivable. You see, at the time, Sarah and her daughters were out fishing with Todd (and, as a side note, I grew up fishing, and it looked as if this was the first time Sarah or any of her children had been fishing). Sarah was complaining about how Todd was catching all the fish, but then she turned to the camera and said "But I suppose that's his place. He's the man and he should be providing for us."

Really, Sarah? Really?

You're going to rely on Todd, who spends his professional career being your husband and "racing" snowmobiles, to provide food? You do realize that you were once the governor of Alaska, don't you? I'm pretty sure you're the one providing the food. I find your antiquated and esoteric views humorous, especially since they are glaringly false.

Now, as I understand the show (bear with me, I've never watched an entire episode), the premise behind Sarah Palin's Alaska is that we are just "looking in" on the everyday activities of Sarah and her family as they perform their "routine" tasks of fishing, hunting, rock climbing, shooting wildlife from helicopters, touring Wal-Marts around the country, etc. (well, the first three are accurate, at least). The idea that any of these "sportsman" activities are part of Sarah's everyday routine is ridiculous. The show has the honesty in appearance of RuPaul's Drag Race

The only difference between the two is RuPaul is more woman than Sarah Palin could ever hope to be

(As a side note, RuPaul's Drag Race is fabulous. In mentioning her show here, I, by no means, had the intention of degrading its faboulousity)

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, et al. can barely construct coherent sentences. Involving these women in politics is an absolute farce and it is completely transparent. The GOP is pandering to, who they view as, the lowest common denominator.

The GOP (and Fox News, for that matter) think we're stupid. Therefore, they're putting forth women with the mental capacity of fruit flies for two reasons.

1) These are women with whom they believe the American public can relate

2) These are women they have deemed as easily controlled (due to their previously mentioned intellectual deficiencies)

Oh, and a third:

3) These are women with whom straight men want to have sex. It's the same logic as nominating George W. Bush for president (the candidate with whom America wanted to have a beer)

I find this stupefying of our culture to be offensive and dangerous. I would prefer a leader who's smarter than me than one whose greatest qualification is receiving the Miss Congeniality title in the Miss Alaska pageant.

What's most offensive to me is that this is not a phenomenon that is exclusive to the Right alone. Barack Obama is, I believe, one of the most intellectually capable presidents this country has ever seen. That being said, the title of the book he authored just prior to the election was grammatically incorrect.

Bitch, please. You know better than that.

Any student who completed 6th grade English would recognize that "Change we can believe in" is grammatically incorrect. Certainly a U.S. Senator who received his J.D., Magna Cum Laude, from Harvard Law School would recognize this fact. (By the way, this is the reason I caucused for Hillary). When I pointed this out to my friends, the most acceptable rationalization I heard was "Maybe 'Change in which we can believe' sounds too brainy." Again, pandering to the perceived lowest common denominator.

Anyway, I know I've meandered a bit from my initial hypothesis. Sarah Palin is the worst person in the world. She has views of feminism that haven't been appropriate since the 1950's and will destroy this country if we do not force her back into obscurity. And I'm not just saying that because Levi Johnston is a dreamboat.

Although I'm sure it does affect my decision making process...