Thursday, December 16, 2010

Weekly Wrap-Up: How to lose friends and not influence people

Good morning, kittens. It's been a long week, and it isn't even Friday yet. I don't know about you, my loves, but I'm already ready for a drink!

Let's wrap this bitch up and move on!


... Dammit.

Well darlings, we got through almost all of 2010 without anymore snow, but it just wasn't fated to be. Winter is here to stay, and I couldn't be more pissed. The only solace I have is watching students with improper footwear try to ice skate around campus, and the Burrito Skanks in their mini-skirts slowly develop frostbite on their thighs. But since Winter Break starts tomorrow for students, I'm going to be deprived of both these joys until January.

Oh well, I guess I'll just huddle for warmth in my very drafty office and continue to sip on my lukewarm coffee which may or may not be spiked with Jameson.

Stella's on a rampage

In other news, my cat hates me.

Look at that face. Doesn't it just scream "I'm going to eat out your eyes while you're sleeping"?

For those of you who haven't met her yet, I'd like to introduce Stella. Stella and I have been together for about a year now, and generally, we get along well. However, over the past week, Stella has decided she hates me. I try to bribe her with catnip toys and fancy treats, but then she's just pissed at me when I switch her back to her regular diet of dry food.

Over the past year, I've developed the ability to interpret Stella, so I'd like to share a conversation we had last night:

Me: "Stella, come here and cuddle!"

Stella: "Meeeow" (Translation: "Fuck you.")

Me: "Stella, I looooooove you!"

Stella: "Meoooow" (Translation: "I SAID fuck you.")

Me: "Stella, come here and cuddle so I can give you loves and treats!"

Stella: "Meowwwww" (Translation: "Oh, just die already so I can scavenge off your body.")

Oh, and by the way, many people have asked about how I came up with the name Stella. They assume it has to do with my love of imported beers,

... but actually it revolves around my intense love of a young Marlon Brando circa "Streetcar Named Desire"
I don't think a caption is needed here, do you?

In other news of ridiculously unrealistic crushes...


As I've previously mentioned, Dale Levitski from Bravo's Top Chef is undoubtably my biggest reality TV crush of all time, past or present. Over the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to drool over Dale as he's participated in "Top Chef: All Stars." However, no more. Last night, Dale was eliminated. It was very sad.

*Sigh* I find it hard to find the passion to watch TV ever again. If it weren't for Iman, I might just call it good and pick up a book.

I'd like to take this opportunity to reiterate my everlasting devotion to you, Dale. Again, if you are a self-involved bitch like me who googles your name and you happen to stumble across my blog, marry me. Seriously, it's legal in Iowa (for now). In fact, I'm just going to mention your name a few more times to put it a little higher in the Google search results.

Dale Levitski

Dale Levitski

Dale Levitski

Desperate? Perhaps. But hey, again, it's worth a shot!

Things I'm obsessed with right now

I'd like to take a minute to highlight some things in my life right now that I couldn't do without.

Peter Gabriel

No, seriously. Peter Gabriel's latest album Scratch My Back is amazing and beautiful, I highly recommend it. The entire album is completely orchestral, with no electric instruments whatsoever. It is all covers of relatively famous indie rock songs from the past few years. Absolutely worth it.

Homemade Pasta

I don't mention it very often, but I'm actually a pretty good cook. I learned how to cook from my Grandma, who is an amazing cook. However, my Grandma doesn't use recipes and doesn't measure ingredients. Therefore, figuring out how to cook things like her can be challenging (to say the least!). Recently, I've mastered my Grandma's recipe for noodles, which was always my favorite growing up. Now I can't get enough! I'm having noodles and mashed potatoes for every meal! It isn't particularly great, because this deviation from my usual meal of Kashi cereal and soy milk has slightly increased my weight over the past few weeks. However, totally worth it.

Irish Coffee

Irish Coffee is a pretty standard drink for me when the weather gets cold. It's one of the only reasons I like winter. It gives me the opportunity to look classy in the bar and be an alcoholic all at the same time.

A Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas

I can't stand Mormons. I'm sorry, but I just take issue with obviously made up religions. It doesn't help their case that they view homosexuality as an illness, the cure of which is electroshock therapy. Seriously. They do. Google that shit.

Listen, I've been to Salt Lake City and toured all the historic Mormon sites. I studied dance in college and even danced with some of the guys from Brigham Young University (by the way: GAY!!! Gayer than gay. Those guys were fah-laming), and I can say, Mormons are crazy.

However, they have a fantastic choir. Generally, I can't stand Christmas music, but A Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas is fantastic. It has that larger-than-life sound which is spectacular. I highly recommend it.

Annie Lennox "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

Annie Lennox is fabulous. I think we're all in agreement with that fact. Her version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is beautiful. I linked it on Facebook a few weeks ago, but it didn't get the kind of traffic I wanted, so I thought I would repost it! It's got an old-fashioned Victorian style to it. It harkens back to the days when Christmas was still a mixture of the original Pagan and later Christian holidays. Enjoy!

Wrap-up for the wrap-up

Alright kids, I think I'm done for the week. I love you all and hope you have a weekend akin to an average Tuesday during the reign of Caligula.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A treatise against children

I'm going to get hell for this one.

Children are annoying. There. I said it. I'm sick of tip-toeing around this fact and pretending that other peoples' children are cute and adorable when, in fact, they are selfish, self-consumed, and completely and utterly intolerable. Basically, they are me, but without the witty commentary.

Yeah... maybe just a little childish

Quick note: This commentary does not apply to my nieces and nephews. They are adorable and precious and I will continue to spoil them until they sufficiently love me.

I'm in my late twenties... Very... late twenties, and I'm starting to get to the point when all of my friends (especially my female friends) are either having baby after baby after baby, or are all-consumed with the thought of having a baby (yes, Katie, you are the inspiration of this post. That is Katie Davidson, fruit-fly master, whose biological clock is akin to Big Ben). And the fact of the matter is, I'm sick of it! Babies are horrible little impish creatures who will destroy your social life and make you as interesting as wallpaper.

It's been several years now since I first read Swift's A Modest Proposal, but while reading it the first time, I actually thought to myself "Hmm... That sounds like a good idea!"

Jonathan Swift: Genius AND sexy devil

Fundamentally, I have no problem with the process of conception. In fact, I think it's pretty fabulous (aside from the involvement of vaginas... ew). My biggest issue is when the little parasites get big enough to cry in restaurants, movie theaters, airplanes, et al.

I have to apologize, I'm going to get all Susan Sarandon for a minute up in here.

The world is overpopulated. Grossly overpopulated. In several countries around the world (including the United States), children without homes are starving to death every day, or slowly dying of disease. The fact that you (yes, I'm looking at you) would choose to bring another child into the world is selfish and irresponsible. Instead of further taxing our already strained resources, wouldn't it make more sense to save the life of a child already in existence? Basically, in your choice to have a child instead of adopting, you are committing murder. I hope you feel happy with that fact.

Whew. That was heavy! I will have you know that if I ever do decide to have a child (which I may, who knows), I will definitely adopt. Although, after writing this post, it'll be pretty unlikely that any adoption agency with internet access would allow a child within 500 yards of me!

Now, I understand the desire to have a big family. I really do. My mom came from a family with 13 children, and family reunions are a blast. She has extremely interesting and fun stories from growing up with all her siblings, and I'm sure she wouldn't trade that for the world. But let me ask you this: Which family would you rather have?


That's what I thought.

As I'm getting to the stage in my life when most of my friends are having children, or trying to have children, it seems that two things are happening to my friends. Either they have children and disappear completely (because we all know you can't have children AND a social life), or all I ever hear from them is BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY! What about me?!? You didn't even notice my cute new shoes!

And the culprit of these horrible crimes against humanity? That little smelly creature in the corner to whom you refer to as Hunter. (By the way, "Hunter"? Seriously?)

So, friends, I implore you: just say no. Children are not the solution to your meaningless life. Try drugs and alcohol like the rest of us.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Sarah Palin is the worst person in the world.

Doncha know.

I made the unfortunate mistake a couple weeks ago of briefly stopping at Sarah Palin's Alaska whilst flipping through the channels. Wow, that woman is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Now, there have been a lot of female Republicans in the past with whom I've fundamentally disagreed: Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Laura Bush. However, regardless of my disagreement with these women, I have, nonetheless, respected them as educated, well spoken persons whose opinions happened to differ from mine. However, Sarah Palin represents a new and dangerous trend from the Right: female Republican personalities who are idiots. Morons. Genetic anomalies. Here are some of my favorite examples:

Michele Bachmann, Representative from Hell's 6th congressional district

Christine O'Donnell, Senate candidate from Salem, Mass.

Any blond, female, Fox News "correspondent." They're all blond, they all have the intellectual curiosity of an amoeba.

You may be asking exactly what the tipping point for me was. Why am I so angry at stupid republicans now? Why am I focusing my wrath on the moronic females? There are, after all, plenty of moronic males in the Republican party. Well, while I was watching Sarah Palin's Alaska, a comment emerged from Sarah's lips that I find unforgivable. You see, at the time, Sarah and her daughters were out fishing with Todd (and, as a side note, I grew up fishing, and it looked as if this was the first time Sarah or any of her children had been fishing). Sarah was complaining about how Todd was catching all the fish, but then she turned to the camera and said "But I suppose that's his place. He's the man and he should be providing for us."

Really, Sarah? Really?

You're going to rely on Todd, who spends his professional career being your husband and "racing" snowmobiles, to provide food? You do realize that you were once the governor of Alaska, don't you? I'm pretty sure you're the one providing the food. I find your antiquated and esoteric views humorous, especially since they are glaringly false.

Now, as I understand the show (bear with me, I've never watched an entire episode), the premise behind Sarah Palin's Alaska is that we are just "looking in" on the everyday activities of Sarah and her family as they perform their "routine" tasks of fishing, hunting, rock climbing, shooting wildlife from helicopters, touring Wal-Marts around the country, etc. (well, the first three are accurate, at least). The idea that any of these "sportsman" activities are part of Sarah's everyday routine is ridiculous. The show has the honesty in appearance of RuPaul's Drag Race

The only difference between the two is RuPaul is more woman than Sarah Palin could ever hope to be

(As a side note, RuPaul's Drag Race is fabulous. In mentioning her show here, I, by no means, had the intention of degrading its faboulousity)

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, et al. can barely construct coherent sentences. Involving these women in politics is an absolute farce and it is completely transparent. The GOP is pandering to, who they view as, the lowest common denominator.

The GOP (and Fox News, for that matter) think we're stupid. Therefore, they're putting forth women with the mental capacity of fruit flies for two reasons.

1) These are women with whom they believe the American public can relate

2) These are women they have deemed as easily controlled (due to their previously mentioned intellectual deficiencies)

Oh, and a third:

3) These are women with whom straight men want to have sex. It's the same logic as nominating George W. Bush for president (the candidate with whom America wanted to have a beer)

I find this stupefying of our culture to be offensive and dangerous. I would prefer a leader who's smarter than me than one whose greatest qualification is receiving the Miss Congeniality title in the Miss Alaska pageant.

What's most offensive to me is that this is not a phenomenon that is exclusive to the Right alone. Barack Obama is, I believe, one of the most intellectually capable presidents this country has ever seen. That being said, the title of the book he authored just prior to the election was grammatically incorrect.

Bitch, please. You know better than that.

Any student who completed 6th grade English would recognize that "Change we can believe in" is grammatically incorrect. Certainly a U.S. Senator who received his J.D., Magna Cum Laude, from Harvard Law School would recognize this fact. (By the way, this is the reason I caucused for Hillary). When I pointed this out to my friends, the most acceptable rationalization I heard was "Maybe 'Change in which we can believe' sounds too brainy." Again, pandering to the perceived lowest common denominator.

Anyway, I know I've meandered a bit from my initial hypothesis. Sarah Palin is the worst person in the world. She has views of feminism that haven't been appropriate since the 1950's and will destroy this country if we do not force her back into obscurity. And I'm not just saying that because Levi Johnston is a dreamboat.

Although I'm sure it does affect my decision making process...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Let's catch up

Good morning, Girls!

First of all, I would like to profusely apologize. Life got crazy over the past couple months and I just have not had a minute to spare to update mein Lieblings on my crazy, chaotic, and hellish adventures! However, things are now quieting down and I wanted to take a while to share my opinions of events of late.

I'm all settled down at my desk with a big cup of coffee and a couple hours of sleep less than I need, so let's get to bitching!

Project Runway

First and foremost, I'm sure you're all wondering how I feel about the following:
Pictured: One (1) Very lucky, cold-hearted bitch

Oh Gretchen, thank you so much for injecting interest into a dying franchise. I must say, I'm not nearly as upset about this as I feel like I should be. Sure, Gretchen may be a fire-breathing dragon bitch, but at least she's a designer. I can honestly look at a lot of Gretchen's designs and say "Well... I don't think I've ever seen THAT before!" Before you start throwing your handbags at me, that isn't necessarily a compliment. I didn't really find any of Gretchen's work to be aesthetically pleasing, but at least she has some creativity and vision.

There's no doubt that Mondo was the better designer. None whatsoever. He has more creativity, a better vision, and his works were more polished than Gretchen's. Gretchen won for one reason: she pandered to the judges. She gave them exactly what she thought they were looking for, and they praised her for it. Mondo followed his vision regardless of what the judges thought, and was ultimately punished for that decision.

Let's be honest here, bitches, Gretchen needed the win. Were Mondo to win, he would probably become another Christian Siriano. A fabulous designer for whom a Project Runway win was just one of several victories. Had Mondo won, no one would hear or care to hear the name "Gretchen Jones" again. However, now Gretchen has a platform from which she can build and grow, and Mondo has just as many offers (if not more) pouring his way as he would if he had won. When you think about it, many of the designers who ended up winning Project Runway were designers from whom we have heard nothing since. Case in point: Chloe Dao, Jeffrey Sebelia, Leanne Marshall, and Irina Shabayeva (I still have hopes for Seth Aaron, his Spring line was pretty fab).

So yes, Gretchen Jones is a fire-breathing hellcat who will probably fade into eternal obscurity, but enjoy your win, Gurl. You played the game really hard to get there.

But for me, the high point of the season would be this:
Michael Costello, you are a tool, a douche-bag and have the personality of a throw rug. My life is 5,000% better without you in it.

Top Chef

I've been an on-again, off-again fan of Top Chef for years. Some seasons, I can really get into the action. Other seasons, I'm just not feeling it. However, there is something extremely exciting on the Top Chef front that I just must mention:

Mmmm... why hello there, handsome

That's right. Top Chef is coming back with another one of their spin-offs, this one focusing on past contestants who didn't win, but were all very good and blah blah blah. I know, I know, this would normally be the time when I would be rolling my eyes and changing the channel. But... BUT... this new money-making scheme AHEM... I mean... creative endeavor by Andy Cohen marks the return of my top reality show crush of all time, Mr. Dale Levitski.
Yummy. And I mean YUH-MEEE. This man makes me very hungry, and not for his food.
Seriously, Dale, if you're a vain bitch like me and Google search your name periodically and "happen" to stumble upon my blog, I'm yours. I will quit my job, cash in my measly retirement fund, and follow you to the ends of the Earth. In fact, I think I'm just going to mention your name a few more times just so that it comes up higher on the search results.

Dale Levitski

Dale Levitski

Dale Levitski

Shameless? Perhaps, but you can't blame a girl for trying!

Skinny Bitch

In other news, I'm proud to report that I've regained my skinny bitch status. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm pretty happy with where I am as far as the numbers on the scale go. I came to this realization this weekend while I was out shopping with Katie. I needed to get a new shirt/tie combo for my niece's baptism this weekend, so we were shopping at Express. I was trying on those skinny cut button downs that all the gays are wearing these days, and found that I was actually an Express mens size small. Actually, the small was a little large on me.

I'll post pictures next week when I return to work so that you can all look at them and be inspired to develop an eating disorder.

So to all of you out there for whom increased age equals increased weight, I'd like to say the following: SUCK IT! SUCK IT HARD, AND SUCK IT LONG, BITCHES! I'M BETTER THAN YOU!

That felt good.

Happy Birthday to my favorite bar!

I'd like to give a shout-out to my favorite pub, London Underground (212 Main Street, Ames, IA), and congratulate them on their fourth birthday!

Congratulations, guys! A special congrats to my friend, Jess (although you'll probably never read this since you have the technological connectivity of the Unabomber): you've built something really special and you should be very, very proud.

Come see me act straight!

In other news, I've been spending my "free" time (hysterical laughing fit) lately working on a musical! The show is called "1972" and we are performing it as a fundraiser for the Margaret Sloss Women's Center here on campus. The show chronicles a family in 1972 of a father, mother, and two college aged children. Controversy ensues when both college aged children become romantically interested in the same woman. That's right, I chase after a woman. It's called "Acting," thank you very much!

Here is a link to the show's website:

So come on out! It'll be a fun little show and the proceeds are going to a great cause. Plus you get to see me strut around stage, singing songs such as "Sexy Devil." It's a stretch, I know.


Alright, kids, I think I'm spent for now. I'll come up for some creative blog posts for the future, but please don't hesitate to let me know if there is a topic about which you'd like me to blog. I have an opinion on pretty much everything, and I think you all know I'm not shy about sharing my opinions!

Later, bitches, I'm out!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lessons from the Burrito: How to be a jerk

Me, Hard(ly) at work!

At the Burrito, I've learned several lessons that are applicable to life in general. Through a series of posts, I would like to share my Burrito Wisdom, as I like to call it. For the first one, I would like to tackle one of my favorite lessons I've learned from the Burrito: how to be a jerk.

I've been suspicious of this fact for several years now, but my work at the Burrito has confirmed my suspicions on the following theory. There are two types of people in this world; there are people who play by the rules, and there are people who try to get as much as they possibly can while putting in the same, or less, effort as those who play by the rules. Let me illustrate with some quotes from Burrito customers: "Is that all the meat I get?!?" "Can't you put on just a little more cheese?" "Two dollars for extra meat! C'mon, man, just do me a favor this once!" And my two favorites: "If I make out with you, will you take a dollar off my bill?" (my response: "Sorry, miss, I'm not into chicks.") And, of course, "Can I get free food because I'm pretty?"

As a side note, the last two quotes were from customers who I have affectionately named "Burrito Skanks." These are women who come into the Burrito dressed in outfits that may be considered "sexy" in the low lighting of a bar situation and have exaggerated "evening" makeup looks; but in the florescent glory of the Burrito, they literally look like clowns. A tip to all the women out there: when you are dressing for the bar, please keep in mind that you may be in situations where non-drunk people who do not want to sleep with you will have to encounter you. Just a little PSA from me to you.

Now, on to being a jerk.

Back to the two types of people in the world. For the sake of time and space, let's refer to the first group of people, the rule followers, as "Saps" (now, please keep in mind, this is nothing personal to all you rule followers out there. I'm one of you, so don't be offended). And let's call the latter group, the rule benders, "Assholes" (I'm not going to apologize for that generalization, they truly are assholes).

Interacting with saps is easy, because we are generally an agreeable stock. We genuinely believe that everyone out there is working as hard as they possibly can to put forth their best work they can, and we work as hard as we possibly can to put forth the best work we possibly can. Therefore, we don't often get angry at people because we are extremely empathetic and constantly trying to see things through other peoples' eyes. Generally, we believe the world works best when we all work together toward a common goal and our priorities are larger scale in nature. It's more humanistic and less individualistic.

Interacting with assholes is much more difficult. This is because assholes are much more individualistic in their interactions with others. They are constantly striving to improve their own standings: socially, financially, professionally, even in getting a little extra meat on their burrito for free. You see, assholes are basically sociopaths. They know what they're doing goes against social mores, but they honestly don't care. They do everything they possibly can to get as much as they possibly can with as little personal effort or cost as possible. Basically, they're Republicans.
= Assholes.

Now, when I first started working at the Burrito, I tried to be as nice as I could with these people: "I'm really sorry. I'd love to give you some extra food for free, but we really aren't allowed." "I'm sorry, my boss is standing right next to me, and if I give you extra food, I'm going to lose my job." "I'm sorry it's so expensive, but I don't set the prices and there is really nothing I can do here." "I'm sorry that I don't find you attractive, but I really, really, REALLY like dudes." However, the longer I have worked at the Burrito, the more I've realized that these people really don't care about these reasons. All they care about is getting as much as they possibly can and that if I show any weakness whatsoever, they will pry as hard as they possibly can to get me to bend to their will. Thus, a two sentence interaction with someone becomes a ten minute interaction.

The answer? It's okay to be a jerk. "I'll give you extra food, but you're going to have to pay more." "Stop yelling at me or I'm going to call the cops." "Sir, I'll throw your burrito in the trash if you call me one more derogatory name." And, of course, "First of all, I'm really, really gay. Second of all, even if I weren't, I wouldn't sleep with you because I enjoy my life herpes-free."

These answers do a couple things for me. First of all, they're really REALLY satisfying. I mean REALLY! I used to be extremely non-confrontational, but there really is an endorphin rush associated with telling someone to eat shit and die. It's not the best problem solving method in life, but man, does it feel good! Second of all, I think these answers teach the assholes a lesson. It teaches them that they cannot coerce their way through life and that people can see through their bullshit and recognize just how unattractive it is.

Now I'd like to share a story of one of my first, and most satisfying experiences in being a jerk. Last Halloween I was working late night at the Burrito when a large group (about 10 people) of very drunk, and very young, college students came in. It was probably around midnight at the time and they were all in costume. They all proceeded to use the restroom and not purchase any food. When they had all used the restroom, they decided to sit at one of our tables and have a very loud conversation for 20 minutes (without purchasing anything from us). Towards the end of their non-burrito, Burrito foray, one particularly annoying woman dressed head-to-toe in a gold leotard with large-rimmed black glasses (obvious American Apparel/Hipster/Douchebag wear) approached the counter and yelled at me, "Hey burrito boy!"

"Yes miss?"

"Is that shirt you're wearing American Apparel?" (I was wearing a deep-V American Apparel t-shirt at the time from my favorite pub, London Underground [212 Main Street, Ames, IA])

"Why yes, miss, it is."

"Everything I'm wearing right now is from American Apparel! Guess what I am?" she exclaimed.

I took a second to ponder her possible costume choices, and I responded: "A giant douche?"

Well, needless to say, the woman was enraged. But, in my defense, what other costume possibility could that be? A member of the Special Olympics gymnastic team? A C-minus student? A huge disappointment to her parents?

The woman yelled a number of obscenities at me, tried to get behind the counter to punch me, and proceeded to tell all of her male friends what I had said to try to get them to hurt me (each one of them laughed when she told them what I had said). She continued to yell at me and curse me as harshly as she could "NO TIPS FOR YOU! NO TIPS FOR YOU!" as her friends dragged her out of the restaurant.

This interaction was extremely satisfying for me.

Try it for yourself sometime! I promise you won't be disappointed!

That's all for now, Lieblings, it's already been a long day and my allergies are acting up. Love you all!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Project Runway: Addendum

Oh, and how could I forget:

"Designers, I'm on a boat."

That is all.

Project Runway: Let's catch up

Oh Heidi, you look terrible.

Good morning girls! I need to start this post off with an apology. I'm afraid I've gotten a little behind in my Project Runway posts. It's a long story. I had a very eventful couple of weeks and had to be sequestered from my TV, so only recently have I caught up on my stories. However, I'd like to do a quick recap and update you all on my ever-evolving opinions of the designers.

FIrst and foremost: FASHION WEEK!!! For those of you who may be unaware, the Season 8 finalists showed their collections last Thursday! The way this works is that all designers left on the show at the time of airing design a collection for fashion week. Basically, this means that 10 designers presented collections last Thursday (even Casanova, who was eliminated about 8 hours after the fashion show... you'd think the producers would have delayed the show until Friday so that they could have saved some money in funding Casanova's line, but whatevs. If they want to waste money, that's their business!) So there were probably 7 decoy collections and 3 finalists.

If you'd like to see all the individual lines, I would encourage you to visit one of my favorite blogs of all time, Project Rungay: I will post my opinions on the individual lines after the finale because... well... I don't want to take the time to dish on a bunch of shitty collections *AHEM... Michael C.*

So lets get to the gossip!

Pictured: One (no longer?) Cold-Hearted Bitch

Gretchen! What happened to you? You aren't getting the bitch edit anymore! I must admit, I kind of miss hating you! However, it's hard for me to maintain my distaste for you when everyone is hugging you and being all lovey-dovey. You were even patient with Casanova this week and really worked with him on piecing together the look in his mind.

However, the look you pieced together was still this:

Could this possibly be sabotage? I'd love to think so, but I honestly don't think it was. I truly think this is what Casanova wanted.

However, shitty Ladies who Lunch aside, Gretchen has kind of fallen to mediocrity. She caught the judges attention early because of her expert sewing and tailoring skills, but over the past two weeks she's produced this:

And this:

(Again, having problems pulling up individual runway photos from this week)

Horrendous. Atrocious. Humiliating. Those poor models.

It seems to me that Gretchen is doing whatever she can to obscure and misrepresent her models' bodies. "Hey, I've got an idea! What if I made a nighty and layered it with a dirty tank top that looks like a 3 year old took a pair of safety scissors to it?" Or "What if I made a jumpsuit out of the cheapest material available, with a heavily bloused top?" Those are looks that are flattering on SO MANY women!

Gretchen, it seems to me that when you are being a bitch, your designs really catch the judges' eyes. However, when you're trying to be nice, your designs are mediocre at best.

Let's ramp up the bitch factor, Gretchen! It's the only way you're going to win!

On to my new villain:
Get your hands away from your face, you douche. You look like you belong in a Jane Austen novel.

I must admit, I had sympathy for Michael Costello for about 3 seconds. It seemed like all of the other designers were ganging up on him and he seemed genuinely hurt by the ugliness.

However, I was never fooled by his design capabilities, or lack thereof. His design style (which was confirmed to me by his final collection) is one of "I'm going to look at what every other popular designer is doing right now, copy it in a cheap fabric, and put my name on it." He shows no capability, no promise, and a total lack of taste.

You may be asking right now "What happened?!?" Only a week and a half ago, I was showing leniency towards Michael C. Well, something happened to change all of that. I've been reading some blogs and interviews from Michael's fellow contestants, and I've been reading some disturbing things. Accusations such as his character being a fabrication with the intention of creating interest so that he may generate his own spin-off. Trying to be the "wounded lamb" in order to garner sympathy and a fan base. Now having a reality TV contestant fabricate a persona is not necessarily a new or even original concept, but I think it does show a disturbing amount of disingenuousness and does not win points in my book. Were these accusations coming from only one designer, I would not necessarily believe these accounts, but this is something that has been posted by multiple designers.

It seems that the producers are playing right into this scheme. It seems that they are going out of their way to make Michael appear as the victim and everyone else as the "bad guy." However, every other designer is saying that Michael cannot sew, has no design aesthetic, and is generally kind of a jerk. I trust the other designers much more than I do the producers, editors, or even the judges. The other designers were with one another 24/7 for several weeks. If they all say someone can't sew, I'm going to believe them.

Michael C., you are a troll. You have thumb-fingers and can barely operate a sewing machine. Plus you didn't bring a tape measurer, you dumbass.

On to the person who HAS been getting the bitch edit lately:

"Guys! Michael C. is totally talking shit about me! He called me the BITCH of the show! How dare he! I say that because a friend of a friend who went to High School with Michael C. for 3 months before he moved because his dad was re-stationed to Germany told me so!"

"Oh yeah, Heidi, Michael D. totally can't sew. Even though he's now had two looks in the top three and I've had two looks in the bottom and never been in the top 3, I'm TOTALLY better than him."

Well, gurl, you wanted this to be The Ivy Show, and it's certainly becoming that. However, I don't think it's The Ivy Show you were imagining. You need to stop talking shit, put your nose to the pavement, and start producing designs that are visually pleasing.

Now on to my little princess:
Isn't he adorable? I'd love to see his head hat/handkerchief-less. I can't help but to wonder what he's hiding under there!

However, regardless of how adorable he is, he produced this:
Which can be best described as "1998 Lane Bryant Chic."

It's obvious that Michael is very accustomed to working with a very specific body shape: very thin, very tall women. Again, there is nothing wrong with that because that is the majority of the models for whom he will be designing. However, as far as clients go, it's a very small percentage of the populous. Michael made up for this misstep a bit this week with his resort wear, but if you take a close look at that look, you will notice that it doesn't transcend body shape. That look would only look good on a woman who is very tall and very thin. Again, nothing wrong with this fact, it's just a small percentage of the clientele.

Michael has a serious shot at being very successful in this show barring the chance of a menswear, drag queen, or professional wrestler challenge.

Now I'd like to take a moment of silence to remember our fallen comrades:

Peach, Casanova, you were absolutely terrible designers, but goddammit, you were entertaining! You were the life of the show and even though I hated your designs week after week, I found myself rooting for you two. You are fun, funny, energetic, and beautiful people. Well, except for Casanova's nipple sweater and Peach's shoe/sunglass blouse.

Regardless of poor design aesthetic and poor personal style choices, you two will be sorely missed. RIP.

Okay bitches, that's all I've got today. I hope everyone enjoyed and has a wonderful MONDAY!

Hearts and ass-smacks, C.