Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A treatise against children

I'm going to get hell for this one.

Children are annoying. There. I said it. I'm sick of tip-toeing around this fact and pretending that other peoples' children are cute and adorable when, in fact, they are selfish, self-consumed, and completely and utterly intolerable. Basically, they are me, but without the witty commentary.

Yeah... maybe just a little childish

Quick note: This commentary does not apply to my nieces and nephews. They are adorable and precious and I will continue to spoil them until they sufficiently love me.

I'm in my late twenties... Very... late twenties, and I'm starting to get to the point when all of my friends (especially my female friends) are either having baby after baby after baby, or are all-consumed with the thought of having a baby (yes, Katie, you are the inspiration of this post. That is Katie Davidson, fruit-fly master, whose biological clock is akin to Big Ben). And the fact of the matter is, I'm sick of it! Babies are horrible little impish creatures who will destroy your social life and make you as interesting as wallpaper.

It's been several years now since I first read Swift's A Modest Proposal, but while reading it the first time, I actually thought to myself "Hmm... That sounds like a good idea!"

Jonathan Swift: Genius AND sexy devil

Fundamentally, I have no problem with the process of conception. In fact, I think it's pretty fabulous (aside from the involvement of vaginas... ew). My biggest issue is when the little parasites get big enough to cry in restaurants, movie theaters, airplanes, et al.

I have to apologize, I'm going to get all Susan Sarandon for a minute up in here.

The world is overpopulated. Grossly overpopulated. In several countries around the world (including the United States), children without homes are starving to death every day, or slowly dying of disease. The fact that you (yes, I'm looking at you) would choose to bring another child into the world is selfish and irresponsible. Instead of further taxing our already strained resources, wouldn't it make more sense to save the life of a child already in existence? Basically, in your choice to have a child instead of adopting, you are committing murder. I hope you feel happy with that fact.

Whew. That was heavy! I will have you know that if I ever do decide to have a child (which I may, who knows), I will definitely adopt. Although, after writing this post, it'll be pretty unlikely that any adoption agency with internet access would allow a child within 500 yards of me!

Now, I understand the desire to have a big family. I really do. My mom came from a family with 13 children, and family reunions are a blast. She has extremely interesting and fun stories from growing up with all her siblings, and I'm sure she wouldn't trade that for the world. But let me ask you this: Which family would you rather have?


That's what I thought.

As I'm getting to the stage in my life when most of my friends are having children, or trying to have children, it seems that two things are happening to my friends. Either they have children and disappear completely (because we all know you can't have children AND a social life), or all I ever hear from them is BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY! What about me?!? You didn't even notice my cute new shoes!

And the culprit of these horrible crimes against humanity? That little smelly creature in the corner to whom you refer to as Hunter. (By the way, "Hunter"? Seriously?)

So, friends, I implore you: just say no. Children are not the solution to your meaningless life. Try drugs and alcohol like the rest of us.


  1. Oh Clayton. Where do I begin. You realize that Brad and Angelina have three biological children of their own and can afford to adopt the other 3, right? Do you realize how expensive a closed adoption is? We would have to have thousands of dollars in the bank and some agencies even mandate a BMI cap on prospective adoptive parents. If we could afford to adopt we would. That's where the actual problem comes in, my dear. Not the fact that people don't choose adoption, but the fact that they can do the nasty and make their own kids for free. Meanwhile parents who probably wouldn't screw their kids up but are having problems closing the conception deal can't afford to buy a kid (case in point: ME!) And although I'm sure your many readers don't care, may I remind you that I have a pretty meaningful life right now. I travel, I have a good job that I enjoy, I have awesome friends (with and without kids), and I continue to educate myself. I can't really explain my desire to have kids, I think it just happens. I'm definitely not doing it just because it's expected or to make my mom a grandma (sorry mom). And it's better for me to raise my own little tolerant feminists than to let all the mindless breeders keep forgetting the birth control (have you seen Idiocracy?!?) So I think you make some very good points, but as with all the very good points you make I will take it with a grain of salt and continue on my path to babybabybabyBABYBABYBABYBABY! And I'm sure my kids will be as adorable to you as the three little nephews/niece. Finally, how sweet of you to refer to me as fruit-fly master. Finally I can take my rightful place in society. Move over Sarah Jessica.

  2. Katherine, you are straying from my basic premise and focusing on one of my tangents. First and foremost, children take away attention from ME! Thus, they are evil.

  3. Don't forget the large portion of society that believes it's a sin to use condoms. That can't be helping.

    Wonderful rant. You say the things a lot of us wish we could say. Bravo.